My Cat Is Evil.
MeowrAaargh!MeowrAaargh!MeowrAaargh!MeowrAaargh!
My cat is thriving. And evil.
Look into his eyes. Eyes are the windows of the soul. My cat's eyes are hard, cold, devoid of compassion. These are the eyes of a natural-born killer.
He is black in colour. Everyone knows, that black is the colour of evil.
At first, you might be tempted to believe that I personally brought this fiendish creature back with me, following one of my regular journeys to Hades to consort with Satan & his demonic children. After all - what better harbour and haven for such an accursed being than at the right hand of Satan himself? Although it might come foremost to your mind, you would be oh, so, wrong, in that assumption. Rather - his company in my domicile came about via an only slightly less diabolical medium - the Internet. You see, my evil cat was discovered outside, last winter, stray shivering and alone, in a shed on a minus 40 degree night. Punishment by God, perhaps, for evil misdeeds? Who can say. A kind lady rescued him, and brought him to the sanctuary of her home. At that time, my previous cat was dying, at the tender age of four, of incureable cancer. Incureable cancer, at the feline equivilent of 30 years of age? Doubtless proof of God's sheer hatred of these beings - but I digress. Petfinder, agent of Satan that it is, allowed me to seek out a replacement familiar for my household. And there you have it.
My cat is the most muscular cat the vetrinarian has ever seen. We call him the "Arnold Schwartzenegger" of cats. In keeping with the Arnie theme, he is now nicknamed "The Terminator" due to his efficiency as a killing machine. He is lethal to small creatures of every kind. He has brought home dead frogs, toads, moles, voles, mice, rats, birds, and one time, he came into the house with a dead rabbit dangling from his mouth, which he proudly proceeded to carry into our living room despite my screams, and deposit behind the La-Z-Boy. A blood and virgin sacrifice to his keepers. After futile attempts at resucitation, the poor dear innocent murdered creature was wrapped in a clean cloth and given a solemn burial in the backyard behind the shed... as the Evil One, close by among the hedges, looked on, admiring his handiwork. I don't think it's appropriate for serial killers to attend the funerals of their victims. Furthermore, while I'm opposed to the idea of the backyard becoming a cemetary, what am I to do with the tiny corpses? I'm sensitive, perhaps, but a ziploc bag and the trash can on garbage day hardly seems proper.
This article, which I discovered on the Internet, elaborates on the pure evilness of cats. I've taken the liberty of pulling some outtakes from the full article, which I suggest should be read in its entirety, in order that these quotes be fully understood in thier complete (crackpot) context.
"To invite cats in our house is to toy with disaster."
Most definately. $3,000.00 for two La-Z-Boys, and he uses them as scratching posts.
"black cats bring ill-luck and possess demonic forces."
Well, I still haven't won the lottery (although it might help if I actually PLAYED). How fortunate that it's CATS which possess demonic forces, and NOT the other way around... I mean, have you ever seen "The Exorcist"? Being POSSESSED BY demonic forces is whacked, man, but I don't know how scary that movie would have been if the little girl, instead, had possessed the demons. What would she have done, made them play with dolls?
"While the animal itself may be unaware of this tragic condition, it serves only its true master - Satan."
Not true. It's a well-known fact that cats care only about themselves. That's why they don't come when you call. That's why you can't train them, the way you train dogs. You'd think the prince of darkness would know better!
"cats practice many unclean habits [...] coughing up fur balls, licking inappropriate body areas on their own bodies [...] urination on the floor, vocal and blatant promiscuity (unknown to any other species, all others being endowed with Godly chastity and decorum) and widespread sexual misconduct without the benefit or sanctity of holy matrimony [...] substance abuse of catnip [...]"
Holy matrimony, bleh, who needs it? And substance abuse rules. Go kitty. As to the "urniation on the floor..", well, that sometimes happens, if you've been abusing substances.
"[Cats engage in] consumption of the undrained corpses of the victims of this nocturnal creature; eating bodies filled with [...] sacred blood [...]"
Mmmm. Sounds like an accurate description of the juicy steak I had for dinner.
"Would it be proper to hand over such a creature of Satan to a person of the world?"
Most definately. He's evil. Go, kitty.
Look at his demonic EYES! THE HORROR!
Evil lurks at home...
Evil rests with maw agape!
Click here for movie one of the demon in action!
Click here for movie two of the demon in action!
